December 16

Today we went to see Santa! Did you tell him what you wanted for Christmas? I hope you spoke up for your brother too, because while you smiled sweetly, Liam slept away.

You never cease to amaze me with your wonderful disposition. On Monday we went shopping with Grammy and were gone for 10 hours. You sat up so big in the front stroller for several hours, and when it was nap time, I put you in the back so that you could lay flat to nap. After a few more hours it was clear you were not falling asleep. At the last store we went to you finally crashed, but never got fussy. You are definitely my little shopping buddy! Liam did a great job too. What a good big sister you are to teach him how to be so laid back and happy--unless he is hungry of course. Then it is the end of his little world. He got his appetite from Daddy!

December 12

You got a gift in the mail from Aunt Paula today...look how cute you are in these Christmas tights!

December 9

You are 18 months old today! Time is passing so quickly. You have been making a lot of progress lately, but I have decided it is time for you to start doing some more big girl things. Top of my list is holding your head all by yourself and eating.

Supporting your own head has become easier for you. You can hold it very steady, and smoothly look from side to side. However, your neck is still so tight that you hold your head very far back. If I hold your back straight you look up at the ceiling, so to compensate I have to lean your body forward. So my number one goal these days is stretching that neck out so that you can look directly in front of you and downwards.

Once we have accomplished holding your head correctly, we can begin working more intently on eating. Too be perfectly honest, I have done a terrible job making you eat. There are lots of excuses. I don’t like to make you throw up any extra by attempting an oral feed, since you allergic reaction I am hesitant to try any foods, teething makes you produce more mucus which makes you more sensitive to gagging, surgeries, procedures, new brother... But the truth is, if I wait until things slow down or get easier we will never work on it. The g-tube is just too easy, I have no great motivation to get you off it. So I was thinking if we went somewhere that would help us focus solely on feeds for awhile we might make some progress. I am considering taking you to an intensive feeding clinic. Really, I am just in the very beginning stages of research, so I am not sure when, where, or even how at this point. Usually they are 4-6 week sessions, so if we end up needing to go out of town, it will take a huge effort. Daddy will have to stay home to work, so you, Liam and I would have to go on our own. But if you have the kind of success I have read about, it would definitely be worthwhile. Even if you progress to where you eat enough during the day to feel full, we could still use the pump at night to give you the majority of your nutrition. That way we all could have so much more freedom during the day, not attached to our 6 foot “leash”.

This is just my newest thought. I am sure it will take awhile to get it covered by insurance and be accepted into the program. In the meantime, we have got to work on that neck! It is the first step towards becoming oral.

December 4

It snowed in Houston, TX today! We got a few flurries last year, but this is the most snow you have seen. We just had to go outside to take a picture of Liam's first snow. So I spent at least 20 minutes getting you guys in clean diapers, warm clothes, bundled in blankets, and getting myself dressed before we headed outside...less than two minutes later we were back in the house. Liam hated the cold and the snow; in fact, he started fussing the moment I opened the front door and only became more upset from there. But you, my hot-natured girl, loved it! So after we made Liam suffer through a couple pictures, we put him to bed and you and I went back outside to play. You kept kissing the snowflakes as the came down, and every now and then opened your mouth wide as if to catch one. Too cute.

Tonight Daddy was able to come home from work a little early, and we had such a nice evening. I made gingerbread and hot tea, we lit a fire in the fireplace for the first time ever, and everyone snuggled on the couch planning to watch a movie. Instead we all were mesmerized by the fire--even the cats! A little bit later Daddy and I got distracted by rearranging the furniture. You were just relaxing on the floor by yourself, when all of a sudden you busted out laughing. I have no idea why you were cracking yourself up so much, but boy, it sure made us laugh also! For about 5 minutes you went on like this. I am so glad you are such a happy girl.

November 25

Goodness, it has been a long time since I have written to you. I couldn't even tell you what all we have been up to--just normal day to day activities, trying to survive I guess. We are somewhat settling into a new routine with Liam--fortunately he hasn't changed your schedule too much. What has thrown us off is sickness. A couple weeks ago you got an eye infection, so you have been on antibiotics which have upset your stomach (and bottom). Then last week you started cutting a couple more teeth. That is always a rough time for us, since it leads to fever, vomiting, diarrhea. Plus you have been so sensitive lately! Things that would usually never upset you have set you to crying as if you were heartbroken. I can't wait till all these teeth are in.

Last week we went to have another CT Scan done, and yesterday we went to TCH to get the results. Your ventricles have reduced in size. They are nowhere near normal, and our surgeon says they never will be. Still, they look better and he is very happy with the results. Remember, my biggest fear was that they would reduce too much and cause your brain to pull away from your skull. In nine months we will check up on you again. More good news...your hair is growing back much more quickly than I expected!

November 8

You are so CUTE with your brother! Daddy and I agree that you definitely know there is something different about that little baby. You smile and laugh whenever you two lay next to each other. When you sit up to look at Liam, you get very peaceful, reach out to touch him, and do a great job of focusing your eyes on him. In fact, tonight you tucked your chin better than ever in order to get a good look at him!

November 2

This morning Daddy and I are going to the hospital to have your brother, Liam. Grammy is on her way right now to be with you, and you will stay at her house over the next couple days.

I am excited to meet him, see what he is like. We decided not to do genetic testing, so while we can't be 100% sure that he doesn't have the same syndrome, we are pretty confident he will be a healthy boy. God has been so good to give me a peace throughout the entire pregnancy. I worried more about your health while I was pregnant with you, and I had no reason to suspect anything would be wrong. This time I am just trusting God, knowing that no matter what, Liam will be a huge blessing in our lives and we will get through whatever might come.

So while I am sitting here, calm about the delivery and the baby, I am nervous about how you will handle this big change. A month ago, I would have thought you would be oblivious to a new baby in the house. Having been deprived sight for so long, you can't see your surroundings well, and many things go without notice--or at least reaction. However, since the shunt surgery, you have improved so much, in so many ways. You definitely will realize there is some competition. And that is assuming (which I never do anymore) that he is perfectly healthy and we will come home right away. I am not sure what will happen if he has a NICU stay like you did. Regardless, your whole world is about to be flipped upside down, and you are sleeping sweetly and without a clue in the next room.

I love you SO much. Last night Daddy and I had so many last minute preparations, that we three didn't get to spend as much time cuddling like I was hoping. Today we will become a family of four, and I wanted to savor those last few hours as a threesome. Still, I have so many sweet memories from our first 17 months together. I used to think that it would have been better to have my SLO baby last. That way "family planning" (as if there were such a thing) would be easier. But I wouldn't change things if I could. I have loved focusing on you, and older children would have suffered had you come later. God knows what he is doing, that is for sure.

And for that reason, I will put my anxious heart to rest, give you a big kiss goodbye, and leave for the hospital with Daddy. Our lives will never be the same after today, but it's going to be good for everyone. You'll see.